Don’t you hate it when you have to take the time to turn on your computer, track down a website and type in an electronic donation to your favorite charity?
The long delay in gratification tarnishes the whole experience.
I always try to remind myself that things could be far worse. Imagine living in the days of old when you were forced to mail a check!
If you’re anything like me, the delay between deciding to give away your money and actually giving away your money results in an overwhelming sense of frustration. You begin to cascade downward toward a full-blown depression. Feelings of self-loathing take root, and soon you are questioning your very existence.
But cheer up. The University of Akron has come to your rescue.
UA is making it really, really easy to give UA your money really, really fast.
Why is that a good thing? Because, according to a UA news release, the faster you give, the better you feel.
Seriously. Get a load of this load:
“Psychologists ... [say] that giving gifts is a complex and important part of human interaction. ...
“They have also said it is often the giver, rather than the recipient, who reaps the biggest psychological gains from a gift.
“And now today’s technologically savvy giver can feel the joy of giving even faster — through mobile giving — when donating funds to one of the Akron area’s most unique museums and historical archives.”
Well, first of all, no museum can be “one of the Akron area’s most unique museums,” because there are not degrees of uniqueness. The museum is either unique or it isn’t.
But that’s beside the point, and we need to move ahead quickly, because there’s money to be given, and fast, and who am I to stand in the way of instant gratification?
So here goes: By poking about a dozen keys on your cell phone, you can regain your sense of self-worth.
Pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and text the word “psych” to 50555.
You’ll get a huge adrenaline rush by knowing you have instantly sent a $10 donation to UA’s Center for the History of Psychology.
Do it again! And again! And again! Do it obsessively! You’ll be the happiest person in town!
Apparently, UA’s interpretation of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs ranks donating money to UA just one level behind breathing, food, water, sleep and sex.
Next up: implanting a chip into our frontal lobes to allow us to make a donation just by thinking about it.
The KeyBank branch in front of the Montrose Acme was the scene of an attempted robbery last week.
Police say a 42-year-old Cleveland man walked into the bank at 2 in the afternoon, “handed the teller a note and demanded money. He used a newspaper in an attempt to conceal his face.”
It probably goes without saying that the guy didn’t get too far. After he left the bank without any money and started running west, Bath police nailed him within half an hour.
Apparently, the man figured the weather was too hot for a ski mask. Perhaps he should have gone with a snorkeling mask.
A colleague was complaining the other day about the widespread practice of referring to LeBron James as “LBJ.”
“I find it distracting,” he said. “It always makes me think of Lyndon [Baines] Johnson.”
Well, LeBron does capitalize the B. And he doesn’t have a real middle name, because he grew up poor and couldn’t afford one.
It’s Raymone. So technically he’s LRJ.
But this is no time to get technical. This is a time to mourn, a time to weep.
The basketball gods have delivered him from his fourth-quarter flameouts, and now — despite Beacon Journal Cavs writer Jason Lloyd’s misguided attempt on Tuesday’s front page to get us to move on — we who enjoy holding a good, healthy sports grudge have traded in our Boston Celtics jerseys for Oklahoma City jerseys.
We’re pretty sure he wasn’t the fifer in the famous Spirit of ’76 painting, but a Revolutionary War fife major is among those buried at Mount Hope, the struggling Akron cemetery I’ve been writing about.
His name was Thomas Granger. He was all of 12 years old when he was marching around. The experience certainly didn’t hamper him physically, because he lived to the age of 83.
Although other Revolutionary War participants could be buried at Mount Hope (early records are sketchy), he is the only one who can be documented. But his presence was enough to inspire the local chapter of the Sons of the American Revolution to raise $300 for the cemetery during a meeting over the weekend at Fairlawn Country Club.
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or email@example.com.